"Black Cloud - Be Gone!"

     DEPRESSION plagued me for approximately twenty years, and, although I've been free from it for several years now, I shall never forget (or - it definitely seems as though I won't, and, hopefully Dementia or some other mental problem will never cause me to forget) how VERY horrific it was, and, how much of "an uninvited and unwelcomed guest" it was in my life!  I was around the age of twenty seven whenever I realized that actual 'DEPRESSION' (not just "the blues!") had invaded my " being."  Before then, I don't recall knowing much about it.  I had always been a happy, naturally motivated, even hyperactive-type, person.  So, whenever I initially began experiencing symptoms of depression, I fought it in various ways (keeping busy, praying, etc.), some of which were wrong, and even sinful (the wrong places, people, endeavors, etc.), but, I thought and hoped that, it was just a phase - or "something" that I was "going through," that would soon pass! WRONG!!   At first, I was futilely searching for "help" in dealing with it, and/or, ways to escape it!  I was constantly looking for things to see and do - TRYING to combat my "FRIENDEMY/FRENEMY" (I hated it, but, God was using it for my "good")!!  However, it was persistent, and, gradually and progressively - even grew stronger.  It's grip on me continued to tighten - year after year.  I kept battling it.  I went through psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, medicines, etc., trying to understand myself, my past, depression, my life's quandaries, the people whom God had placed in my life, ETC....LIFE, but, the depression would NOT budge!  And, in retrospect, I see that, although many of my experiences as a child, "sort of " created a "breeding ground" for depression, I honestly believe NOW that, it was an actual "spirit of depression and suicide" that was oppressing me, in which satan had sent to destroy me (John 10:10, 1 Peter 5:7+8), but, God had allowed this - as a part of HIS plan for my destiny - and, was using it in HIS "molding and making" of me (one of HIS pots - or - vessels), because - HE is "the potter," and, I am "the clay!" Therefore, the depression with which satan was using to kill me, 'The Lord,' was using to make me more "Christ-like," etc., and, was teaching me other important truths about HIMSELF, and many other lessons, and ALL of it was for my good, and for HIS honor and glory (Romans chapter 8 - once again)!  The people whom God had placed in my life, did not understand what I was going through, well - SNAP - I DIDN'T, so, how could they?!  It threw all of us "for a loop!!"  I hate that it affected, and, was VERY tough for the people who loved me and were around me, also!!  It didn't make sense, I mean - I went from being - active, happy, aggressive, friendly, fun, funny, and other - mostly - positive - ways of being - to being someone who was in a constant battle with depression!  The situation in which I found myself was paradoxical, because, "on one hand," as a 'Christian/Believer,' my "spirit-man/woman," desired to be the person that, 'The Bible' and 'Holy Spirit,' told me that I "should be," and YET, "on the other hand," I had this other, person and phenomenon, who I really didn't know, and with whom I vehemently disliked, and, I was being pulled - back and forth, round and round - trying to SURVIVE!!  Needless to write, I was a "MESS" on the "inside," which, no doubt, bled to the "outside!"  I was confused concerning what I was going through, and, the person who I was becoming, as I'm certain - so were the people around me!  It was shocking to me - that "I" was dealing with depression!  I was not just sad - I was depressed, and suicidal (at times)!  Deep in my 'spirit,' I knew that I probably could never actually take my life (to end the torment), the 'evil spirit' kept "whispering in my ear" that going to Heaven was the answer to my misery!  And, it would have been - in a way - for me - but, NOT for my children, nor for any of the other people who really love me. So, I started grasping onto anything that I thought might  possibly help me (books, programs, classes, vitamins, supplements, activities, food, exercise, etc.) to GET RID OF the terrible "black cloud" with which I was dealing (against my will)!  It was a HUGE DILEMMA - in my life - a "season" whenever a "black and gloomy - cloud of despair" had invaded every area of my being (except "the Spiritual" part)!  In combating it, some of my methods were good, and some...bad!  I gained weight (BAD!! 😩) - as a result of trying to use food to help myself!  I, at times, would hide-away, and avoid people, and life.  I, as a survival mechanism, became defensive about the slightest matter that I thought needed defending.  Sleeplessness became a problem, which intensified my frustration due to tiredness, which increased other types of bad behavior, such as - irritability, body aching, etc.  However, to GOD'S CREDIT (100%) - (HE created me), I kept persevering, although - OFTEN - was tempted to quit!  I cannot come up with written words to describe HOW TREMENDOUSLY DIFFICULT this "trial/test" in my journey was!! 😔  After years of dealing with it, it really took its toll on me!  At times, I would think things like, "what if this never ends?" or "I cannot continue living - while dealing with this much longer!" ETC.!  I became exhausted from the fight with it!  To make the situation MUCH MORE CHALLENGING for me, I injured my back (a problem with which I am still dealing), I was struggling with the various dimensions of being a "preacher's wife" (which added MANY pressures), trying to do all I could to keep my marriage together, caring for, and dealing with, two children, stressing over financial challenges, and, lots of other circumstances and situations!  In the midst of my "twenty year season of depression," God was faithful to love, and not leave me, to minister to and lead, me, etc.(Hebrews 13:5, Micah 7:8).  In spite of the terrible times of despondency with which I dealt, I still had countless times of enjoyment, fun, worship, love, etc. (by HIS - grace, love, Spirit, etc.'s help)!  Would I have chosen that season?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!  However, for whatever the reason - God allowed satan - to attack me with it, and, I am CERTAIN that - HE would not have allowed it, IF, HE didn't know that GOOD things would come from it - that would cause me to grow "in HIM," and, help advance HIS - Kingdom and plan!  Throughout this ordeal, I fasted and prayed for my healing, had other people praying for it, requested and had the leaders of my church to anoint me with oil and pray over me for my healing, believed (based in HIS WORD) that HIS healing power was working in me, etc., Then, FINALLY -  AFTER A LONG TIME PASSED - HIS healing of me (taking away the depression) manifested itself!  PRAISE 'THE LORD!!!'  As you might guess, I am very empathetic toward people for whom I care, whom I know are battling depression and suicidal urges!  I also, NEVER want to deal with either of those "demons" again!  And, by the grace, etc. of God - I won't!!  There isn't enough space in this 'blog post' for me to go into extreme detail about this "season," so, I've condensed this "post" down - as much as possible.  My intention in "sharing" some of the most extremely painful period of my life - is with hope and prayer that - God will use it to minister to someone who reads it - who might be battling depression, and, possibly even contemplating suicide!  VICTORY over depression and suicidal tendencies - IS POSSIBLE - through CHRIST JESUS (HIS - finished work of The Cross ✝️, Blood ❤️, Spirit 🕊 and Word 📖)!!  Ask HIM to help you, and then, LET HIM lead you to the right kind of assistance - personalized specifically for you - by HIM, and, HE shall (Psalms 46:3-5)!! I trust that I'll be enjoying my life - depression-free - hopefully - forever!! 🙌🏼✝️😃 Until next time...👋🏼😊🙏🏼✝️💖