"LIFE'S SURPRISES"

        LIFE never ceases to surprise me, despite the fact, that I am constantly, thinking and saying, that, "NOTHING SURPRISES ME, ANYMORE!"  None of us know WHAT each approaching second shall bring us!  I was already beginning to ponder these realities, all the way back in "1988-90" (not sure of the exact date), whenever, the incident about which I am writing, happened, so, I was around twenty four to twenty five years old.  This post is already proving to be a tough one for me to write!  The "demon of depression" had already gotten its terrifying grip on me, and, all of, mine and David's, tests, troubles, and trials, many that we brought upon ourselves, through unwise decisions, and, sinful behavior, only strengthened it, for me.  And, along with the depression,  I was also dealing with nervousness, which, was a new problem, for I had always been able to deal with life's frustrations and aggravations, fairly easily, until they began really pressing down on me, along with heavy "spiritual warfare," after David and I surrendered to the call of 'the ministry,' in "1987," after he announced that God had called him to preach 'The Gospel of Jesus Christ.'  Since then, the "ole devil" has continually tried to destroy me, our marriage, and, our family!  Whenever I write these posts about things in my past, I get pretty emotional!  But, I sense in my spirit, that, 'The Lord' wants me to "share" my journey.  I sincerely desire that my 'blog posts' are a blessing, and/or, somehow, a help, to everyone who reads them!  As, David and I, continued to struggle, as a couple, in various areas of life (mainly financial), we ended up living in a large, two story, rental house, in Portsmouth.  We had been married around five or six years at this time.  I had decided, before I gave birth to our first child, Jeremy, that, I would try to be a "stay at home mother," and, "homemaker."  Throughout the years (almost 35 now), I have tried working at a variety of different jobs, but, found it really difficult to keep my commitment of, keeping my children and family first, while working, so, the job attempts were usually short lived, whenever my children were still living with us.  Jeremy was probably around the age of five, and C.C., four, whenever, I decided, once again, that I'd babysit other children at our home.  That way I would still be home with ours, and, could also contribute to our household income.  So, at this particular time, besides having the RESPONSIBILITY of my two, I also babysat for five more children, all under the age of five, and, one of them being, Josie, who was around three months young.  As you can probably imagine, during the day, when all of us were present, except David, who would have been working, our house was rather wild!  Ha!  I tried to keep things structured, however, children are children, and often, unpredictable!  Right?!  Josie had been crying a lot for a couple of weeks, whenever she was with me.  I had told her mother a couple of times, that, she didn't seem to be feeling well, and that, she had been crying a lot.  She "seemed" to be fighting a cold, or, something. I had even thought that maybe she was trying to cut teeth.  The weekend prior to the day about which I am writing, her mother had taken her to the "ER," because, she was fussy, feverish, had some congestion, etc.  However, it was during a "shift-change" time, and, the doctor, who was in a hurry to leave the hospital, told her to give Josie 'Tylenol,' and that, she would be fine, then, sent her home, which, I learned at a later time.  This particular day, once again, she was fussy, and had been crying for quite a while, so, whenever, I finally put her to sleep, I was very glad for her, and, me!   Back then, the experts were recommending that infants were to be laid on their stomachs, while sleeping.  The recommendations have changed through the years.  Therefore, I laid her on her stomach, on a hideaway love seat, which was covered with a heavy furniture fabric.  Of course, I placed a soft baby blanket between the cushion and Josie!   She seemed peaceful, and fine.  After lying her down, I got busy caring for all the other children, and, for a couple  hours, as I'd walk past Josie, she "seemed" fine.  She had turned her head, from one side to the other, a couple times, etc.  I was happy that she was getting some rest, and, relief, from whatever was bothering her!  All of a sudden, the thought hit my mind, that,  I should check on her, because, she had been asleep quite a while.  So, I did!  As I approached the small couch where she lie, I saw no movement from her, and, I then noticed that, she did not appear to be breathing (based on the stillness of her body).  I leaned over, looking down at her, and, the skin, on her hands, and, the sides of her face, had an unusual, grayish, cast, to them.  Her body was lifeless, and, I think that I went into an "in-shock-like state," as soon as I let myself accept the fact, that, she was deceased.  A panicky sensation came over me, and, I thought, "I cannot handle this!  I am going to have a complete nervous breakdown!"  I feared that she had suffocated, because, she was lying with her face down-flat, on the thick, heavy, seat cushion, of the couch.  Then, I picked up her tiny, lifeless, body, and, held it tight for a second, then, performed 'CPR,' for a while, as my mind and spirit prayed within, for God to, bring life back into her, help me, and, for HIM to minister to the other children who were there, whom I had told to stay in another room.  At some point, I managed to call my aunt Betty, and, asked her to call 911, and, she did.  She also called my father, who, immediately came to my assistance.  I especially remember, right after I heard the ambulance arriving, lifting Josie up, as to God, and, sensing a heavenly presence beside me, and, understanding within my being, that, my precious 'LORD' was comforting me, letting me know that, HE was with me, that, HE would get me through this, and that, there was great purpose in this happening on "my watch," otherwise, HE, could have, and, would have, prevented it!  I had enough spiritual knowledge at that time, to believe that, HE would USE ALL of this PAINFUL tragedy as part of HIS perfect plan, for HIS honor, and glory, and, for mine, and, other people's, good (Romans ch. 8, Hebrews 13:5c)!  The autopsy report stated, that she died of 'Viral Pneumonia,' however, I still felt responsible!  A medical professional told her mother, that, the past weekend, when she had taken her to the  'ER,' she should have been admitted, and, put in an 'oxygen tent!'  According to God's providential plan, she had been taken from us, and, was safe and sound, with Jesus, for eternity!  'The Good Lord,' comforted me, and others, who were affected by Josie's death, getting us through it, using it, and, continuing to use it in my life, in her mother's life (I assume), and, probably the other children who were in my care that dreadful day's, lives, for HIS mysterious (often unknown, nor, understood, to us, here on earth) purposes!  I am confident that 'God's Word,' 'Spirit' inside me, angels, loved one's prayers on my behalf, HIS grace, mercy, ETC., are attributed to helping me deal with this horrible (in my mind) occurrence!  I thank HIM for revealing to me, in SO many ways, as I've lived my life, truths, such as;  HE loves me - unconditionally, I can trust HIM - no matter what happens, I have my plans, but, HE shall mercifully, lovingly, and graciously, etc., override "my plans," whenever, HE sovereignly chooses, and, countless other revelations, and promises, and the such, that also, give me complete confidence in HIM, as the "pilot" of my life!  I surely, hope and pray, that,  HE is the "pilot" of your life, too!! Until next time...